Faith.

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up." - Lucas 

I choose to get up and move forward. My life has gone off course several times. The worst of those periods was between my junior year of high school and my freshman year of college. Now my entire life was not off course and from the outside most people would have never known but I was lost, and still am dealing with the side effects from it.

During my junior year of high school I was dealt a staggering blow, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now because of a history of breast cancer running in the family they caught it very early, it was no bigger than the size of a pen head, but hearing the words "I have cancer" come out of your mothers mouth is something that I do not wish upon my worst enemy. She went through treatment and the cancer has been in remission for over 5 years now. 

During my senior year of high school my best friends mother died after a long battle with breast cancer. For as long as I had known her, she had been dealing with this. When she took a turn for the worst me and our other friend were at the hospital all night and we all spent the night together just down the road from the hospital. The next morning we found out that she had passed away in her sleep during the night. I was there with her most of the next several days from sitting at her house to the funeral and beyond. 

None of us who were there we ever the same. Her death had a profound impact on all of us. I tried everything I could think of to help her. We still had so many milestone moments to face and I knew she would have wanted her mother there. We all grew into one big family unit. I took myself out of that unit after some drama with her and an ex of mine and I have always regretted that because there were so many times that I bet she could have needed me and I turned my back on her.

I will always be at a higher risk for breast cancer and always be one that they check extra carefully. But I'm not going to let this risk ruin the rest of my life. A couple of days ago I was having symptoms that I manipulated in my head to be symptoms of cancer (I blame webmd for helping this) but after talking to my mother we determined that the shingles that I had last summer has moved causing a lot of the symptoms. (Don't ask me how I got shingles, and yes they are an old person aliment) But having that thought process in my head of being 23 years old and facing something like cancer got me thinking about all of the people in this world who are facing cancer and similar life threatening diseases and how they could be facing the end of their lives. What would I do in that situation? 

In all honesty no body is guaranteed tomorrow, and if that's the case then what we make of today is what matters. So I have vowed to myself to make the most out of all of the today's I get. Fear is not going to be an option. I'm going to live life to the fullest. I don't know how many more days that I am going to have on this earth and I want all of them to matter. Death is a fact of life. One day we are all going to face it but it isn't something that we should dwell on. We miss those who have gone before us but we must live the rest of our life with the memory of them in our hearts.

I got a tattoo of a cross on my wrist to remind myself to always have faith. Faith in God, in love, in life, in dreams, in people, in myself. I have faith that everyday that I am allowed to wake up that I will face that day and not give up. I remind myself to have faith because we all have moments of weakness. Moments when we don't believe that it will all work out, that we think we are facing more than we can handle, that we just want to give up. I'm not going to give up anymore. I'm going to use my faith to fight like hell to get to where I want to go. Through faith I will succeed. I will succeed in giving everything my all, in never giving up, and waking up each morning and choosing to face the day. That is all I can do, no more, no less. 

Video Killed the Radio Star

You know how they say that video killed the radio star well I believe that TV and movies have killed my sense of romance.

Nothing in real life works out like it does on anything that we watch. It is never based on reality. I am a aspiring screenwriter and even I know that it is rare that a movie with a true to life ending or real life situations is hard to make or sell. People don't want to see the dirty difficulties that real people face they want to see the girl and the guy get together and live happily ever after. There are some examples that don't follow this rule but those are not as common. All of these things have combined to give me a false since of what a relationship is.

I want love like I see on TV or movies. I want to get the guy and live happily ever after. But life is messy and so is love. I haven't been on a date in months because I'm so afraid to allow anyone in again. I've been hurt. But I don't want it to stop me. So from this part on I am going to try to stop being afraid and start putting myself out there. I'm not going to let video kill this radio star.

[Posted on my iPod touch]

Quotes of the Day

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplacable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours." Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

"Men have been taught that it is a virtue to agree with others. But the creator is the man who disagrees. Men have been taught that it is a virtue to swim with the current. But the creator is the man who goes against the current. Men have been taught that it is a virtue to stand together. But the creator is the man who stands alone." - Ayn Rand

As I am laying in bed reading my newly purchased copy of The Fountainhead and listening/watching season 1 episodes of OTH I was reminded of the first quote from Atlas Shrugged. Ayn Rand has quickly become one of my favorite authors. I have not read a book that has moved me like The Fountainhead has in a long time. I highly recommend that you pick up a copy and read it immediately. It will change your life forever.

"If you want my advice, Peter," he said at last, "you've made a mistake already. By asking me. By asking anyone. Never ask people. Not about your work. Don't you know what you want? How can you stand it, not to know?" - Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

Soundtrack Of My Life (for right now)

Following the trend set by Katie here is my list o' songs. Enjoy.

Name of the Game: Soundtrack Of My Life

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool!

Opening Credits:
Ray LaMontange - Be Here Now

Waking Up:
Avenue Q - Everyone's A Little Bit Racisit

First Day At School:
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - Cakes for Crabbe and Goyle

Falling In Love:
Dixie Chicks - White Trash Wedding

Fight Song:
Faith Hill - Go The Distance

Breaking Up:
Cross Canadian Ragweed - Suicide Blues

Prom:
Vanessa Hudgens - Identified

Life:
Motion City Soundtrack - Better Open The Door

Mental Breakdown:
Ray LaMontangne - Within You

Driving:
Jason Aldean - Laughed Until We Cried

Flashback:
Shwayze - Buzzin'

Getting Back Together:
OAR - Shattered (Turn the Car Around)

Wedding:
Alicia Keys - Sure Looks Good to Me

Birth of Child:
Britney Spears - Toxic

Final Battle:
Velvet Revolver - Fall to Pieces

Death Scene:
Patsy Cline - Walkin' After Midnight

Funeral Song:
Eli Young Band - That's the Way

Ending:
Dixie Chicks - If I Fall You're Going Down With Me

Writer, yes or no?

When I sit down to write a blog I never know what will come out. I normally have an idea in my head but I just let my fingers find what they will on the keyboard. It's very therapeutic but also a little scary because I'm never sure what secret feelings will come out.

I never thought of myself as a writer. Growing up I was the worse speller on the face of the planet. Technically I still am I just have the saving grace of spellchecker. I always could knock out papers in a couple of hours because the words just flowed from my head to the keyboard without really a thought to them. But I would have never considered myself a writer. In fact I hated writing. I loathed having to sit down and concentrate on something for that long of time. 

This is why when I started writing my screenplay I shocked myself. I could sit and write for hours without realizing that time had passed. The thoughts and ideas just came from nowhere. Still I never thought I was a writer. 

I never thought anyone would actually want to read what I wrote. It's all just jumbled thoughts that I somehow get out in a manner that makes sense. But the longer I have had this blog the more I realize that I may just be a writer. Granted a very amateur writer but a writer non the less. 

I can express myself so much better through my writing than I can by speaking. This is why I would never be an actress. I don't think that my writings on this blog mean much more than a therapy session for me but I am coming to realize that my words mean something to other people. It took several people telling me this repeatedly for me to understand it (it's still hard for me to completely wrap my head around). I am a simple girl from Arkansas who's ideals and thoughts are no different from anyone else. 

I set out on this path in life to have the opportunity to make something that means something to someone. I want to impact someone else's life like the TV shows and movies of my life have me. Maybe I'll never make a movie, maybe my words will never reach the screen, maybe "the beauty is in the attempt." It's something that I am going to fight for until the bitter end. It's something that I will never give up on. But if through my attempt and this blog I can reach someone else and make a small impact on their life then I will feel good about the choice that I made. 

Maybe I am a writer after all. Or maybe I am just starting to discover who I really am. The possibilities are endless.