Friendship. Webster's defines friendship as the state of being friends. So if friendship is the state of being friends then it is assumed that you must be friends in order to have a friendship with someone.
Well what if your friendship is strand, with time and pain and loss? What if you haven't been a friend to this person or them in return? Can you then call it a friendship? Can it ever be a friendship again?
A friend is one attached to another by affection or esteem. What if you have not held an affection for someone. Can you call them a friend? According to the books no. But what if your situation was different? What if there were circumstances that changed the friendship?
I lost a really good friend a few years back. It was a situation that was messy and painful and emotionally charged at the time. I resented this person for years, for putting me in the situation I was in and for the choices they made. But did they make the choice or did I?
I struggled for years with this pain and dealt with it in all the wrong ways. I went from depression to running from my feelings to bitter to angry. But I never really dealt with any of it. Until recently that is. I have come to realize that maybe the problem wasn't her but was me. I made the choice not to be friends. I made the choice not to move past it. I made the choice to walk away. None of that was on her, it was all on me.
Forgiveness is something that is not earned or gained. To forgive someone you have to let go of the resentment and pain associated with them. They can not do anything to cause this, because it is all in you to decide to forgive or not. I choose for years not to forgive. I held on to the resentment and punished myself in the process.
I would love to believe that not having me in this persons life for all those years had some kind of negative impact on their life. That some how they felt what I was feeling from it but I don't believe that is true. I think the only one I was hurting was myself. I think by not forgiving I did more damage than good. Who are we without forgiveness.
Friendship is a two way street. I closed off my side of the street. Now I am slowly reopening it, and it's scary because I don't know how to be a friend anymore, to her at least. I did so much damage to our friendship that I can't see why she would still even want to be friends with me at all. But she does, she still wants me in her life, and her in mine. Because despite all the pain and the drama and the years apart I still remember the good times, the fun times, the friendship. It was not always easy, or the most even sided thing but it was still a friendship for good or bad.
I know there are some who know the situation well who would say that I am wrong for this. That I am better off without a friend like her in my life but I would ask them, would you want me to forgive you if the situation was the same? I have this one life to live, this one chance at happiness and I'm going to take it. And in order for me to be happy I have to forgive, not forget but forgive. I will never forget the things that happened. I will never forget the lessons I learned. But I will forgive. Forgive her, forgive myself, forgive.
The past is in the past. My future starts right now. And in my future I would like to be a friend again, to have my old friendships back. Happiness is on my horizon, the pain of yesterday is fading away, and I am a better person than I was. Forgiveness is granted. Now we learn how to build a friendship again, because starting today I call you a friend again.
