Faith.

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up." - Lucas 


I choose to get up and move forward. My life has gone off course several times. The worst of those periods was between my junior year of high school and my freshman year of college. Now my entire life was not off course and from the outside most people would have never known but I was lost, and still am dealing with the side effects from it.

During my junior year of high school I was dealt a staggering blow, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now because of a history of breast cancer running in the family they caught it very early, it was no bigger than the size of a pen head, but hearing the words "I have cancer" come out of your mothers mouth is something that I do not wish upon my worst enemy. She went through treatment and the cancer has been in remission for over 5 years now. 

During my senior year of high school my best friends mother died after a long battle with breast cancer. For as long as I had known her, she had been dealing with this. When she took a turn for the worst me and our other friend were at the hospital all night and we all spent the night together just down the road from the hospital. The next morning we found out that she had passed away in her sleep during the night. I was there with her most of the next several days from sitting at her house to the funeral and beyond. 

None of us who were there we ever the same. Her death had a profound impact on all of us. I tried everything I could think of to help her. We still had so many milestone moments to face and I knew she would have wanted her mother there. We all grew into one big family unit. I took myself out of that unit after some drama with her and an ex of mine and I have always regretted that because there were so many times that I bet she could have needed me and I turned my back on her.

I will always be at a higher risk for breast cancer and always be one that they check extra carefully. But I'm not going to let this risk ruin the rest of my life. A couple of days ago I was having symptoms that I manipulated in my head to be symptoms of cancer (I blame webmd for helping this) but after talking to my mother we determined that the shingles that I had last summer has moved causing a lot of the symptoms. (Don't ask me how I got shingles, and yes they are an old person aliment) But having that thought process in my head of being 23 years old and facing something like cancer got me thinking about all of the people in this world who are facing cancer and similar life threatening diseases and how they could be facing the end of their lives. What would I do in that situation? 

In all honesty no body is guaranteed tomorrow, and if that's the case then what we make of today is what matters. So I have vowed to myself to make the most out of all of the today's I get. Fear is not going to be an option. I'm going to live life to the fullest. I don't know how many more days that I am going to have on this earth and I want all of them to matter. Death is a fact of life. One day we are all going to face it but it isn't something that we should dwell on. We miss those who have gone before us but we must live the rest of our life with the memory of them in our hearts.

I got a tattoo of a cross on my wrist to remind myself to always have faith. Faith in God, in love, in life, in dreams, in people, in myself. I have faith that everyday that I am allowed to wake up that I will face that day and not give up. I remind myself to have faith because we all have moments of weakness. Moments when we don't believe that it will all work out, that we think we are facing more than we can handle, that we just want to give up. I'm not going to give up anymore. I'm going to use my faith to fight like hell to get to where I want to go. Through faith I will succeed. I will succeed in giving everything my all, in never giving up, and waking up each morning and choosing to face the day. That is all I can do, no more, no less. 

12 comments:

Amber Rae March 29, 2009 at 12:21 AM  

"I am bruised, but not broken. This isn't the end for me. I will succeed!"

That quote was my friend's senior quote. She passed away in a car accident 2007. Everyday, and I literally mean everyday, I read that quote just once, and it gives me hope for anything that I had doubts about. Life is life. It's always going to be there. Death is constant, just like life. When one life ends, another begins...it's just our decision to make something of it. To make something of ourselves before we wonder what could have been and it's too late.

This post reminds me of my novel I sent you. We take things for granted when we shouldn't and dont take things for granted when we should.

As for the friend part...I know what you mean. I've been there and back...and let me tell you, it get's better. I know you can't get all the time back that you lost, but you CAN use the time you have now.

It's never too late.

p.s. told you it would hit you ;)

~A

calina15 March 29, 2009 at 12:29 AM  

wow... I am like speechless right now. First of all, I'm stealing that quote. Second of all, this was just so raw and open... thanks for sharing this.
Man, yes... "Through faith I will succeed. I will succeed in giving everything my all, in never giving up, and waking up each morning and choosing to face the day. That is all I can do, no more, no less."
that is perfect, that attitude will get you so far in life.
SO inspiring friend!

-Raquel

becca16 March 29, 2009 at 12:41 AM  

In the past couple if months, I have seen you grow so much. You're one of the strongest people that I've ever met. You have heart, you have drive, and you have passion. I want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter where you go in life, no matter what obstacles come your way, you have inspired me. You have inspired me like a gift from God. I want to find more for myself because of your words. You've been through so much, but I know, i know, you're going to make those dreams a reality and nothing is going to stop you. Keep that strength my dear.

" Because, it's only when you're tested that you truly discover who you are and it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be, the person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief. and beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead."-Lucas ;)

"The rest of your life is a long time
and whether you know it or not
it's being shaped right now.
You can choose to blame your
circumstances on fate or bad luck
or bad choices or you can fight back.
Things aren't always going to be fair
in the real world, that's just the way it is
but for the most part you get what you give.
Let me ask you all a question.
What's worse? Not getting everything you wished for or
getting it but finding out it's not enough? The rest of your
life is being shaped right now with the dreams you chase,
the choices you make and the person you decide to be.
The rest of your life is a long time and the rest of your life starts right now." -Haley

Anonymous March 29, 2009 at 1:05 AM  

If after all this, your faith is still intact, you'll overcome pretty much anything. And that inspires me. Your fighting spirit is unbelievable.

Elise88 March 29, 2009 at 3:44 AM  

Your faith and determination really show through in this Kim. It really is inspirational that you've gone through so much, yet still have have faith in life, people, dreams. Your blog is a reminder to us all to make the most of life today.

Eli

Andrea Smith March 29, 2009 at 10:33 AM  

When I clicked the link from twitter, I was totally blown away. Kim, you are stronger than you realize and the strength and determination you have exemplified through this post and so many other posts you have shared with us is staggering. I realize more and more with each one that are stories are very similar and find a muse within in them for my dreams.

Lily's Poet March 29, 2009 at 11:32 AM  

I read your post this morning, and kept the window open for like the day, because I wanted to post a comment but your blog left me speechless!It reminds me that we are the master of our destiny!

This blog shows how much you're strong!And your faith is just marvellous and inspiring!

"In all honesty no body is guaranteed tomorrow, and if that's the case then what we make of today is what matters." *Speechless*
This is so true, and reminds me, we shouldn't built castles in the air but enjoy every minutes we have and learn how to share and give instead of fight.

Anonymous March 29, 2009 at 1:34 PM  

Oh Kim...you didn't have to share all of this with us...but you did. It is quite something to be able to lay it all out there for people who are somewhat "strangers." Thanks for sharing such deep and insprirational thoughts with us.

¤¤Marion¤¤ March 29, 2009 at 2:04 PM  

Oh Kim .. when you experience death of someone close to you , it changes you for life , you just don't se things the way you used to ... before a good day was just a good day but after it's more than that because you know that can be your last ...
I'm sorry about your mother cancer but I'm glad that she faced and "succeeded" it ... and in a way it made you stronger !
Anyway , wonderful post and I agree with everything you said about faith !
Thanks for sharing Kim

Neera March 29, 2009 at 2:12 PM  

Incredible post, as usual. To come from all that and to see the strength you have now is inspiring. I'm so sorry about your Mom but I'm so glad she beat it and is in remission! Thank you for sharing, even though you didn't have to! Love your posts, they're so insightful and inspiring.

Neera

Sue March 29, 2009 at 2:42 PM  

Kim, you are an inspiration.

Sue...x

Kaitlan.Olivia March 29, 2009 at 8:11 PM  

Wow! I'm totally speech less right now!! It is such a horrible things to loose someone so close to you. No one should ever have through that. Thank you for sharing this with us, you have become such an inspiration, and it so funny how your post today was about Faith. I just spent the entire weekend at a Monastery. It was the coolest thing ever! :)

We are all so proud of you, and what you have accomplished.

I truly believe that if you live your life doing gods will what needs to happen with, and everything will just fall into place. I strongly believe that God does not give us things that we can not handle, even though we may not understand what he does right away.

You are such a strong person, and have so much ahead of you. Just keep going strong and keep the faith.

<3

Kait(KO)

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I'm a 24 year old girl who is taking a change in direction and going to school online through Full Sail University seeking a bachelors in Entertainment Business. I'm working towards being a screenwriter/producer/director anywhere in the TV or Film industry.