And The Adventure Begins

So I have been in Wilmington almost 24 hours now and it has been eventful already. Flew in last night, rested briefly before getting ready and heading out to Front Street.

After walking up and down Front Street for a while we stopped at the Reel Cafe and had a couple drinks before heading down to The Whiskey to hear Bibis play. Now I loved her music on Myspace and on SGP but she's even better live. The way she performs and grabs your attention is amazing. So glad we're going to see her again on Friday at Kefi. 

After nursing a hangover this morning we finally made it out back to Downtown. After being Pedestrians for several hours we stopped at the Cafe Phoenix for lunch. It was really good and the atmosphere there was perfect. After a little more walking we got back in the car and went further on to explore. 

After hitting a couple OTH sites, The Rivercourt and the 6th Street Bridge, we headed up to UNCW to check out the campus. It's very pretty around there. Lots of trees and brick buildings. I haven't found an area around here that I haven't liked so far. It's like all of the places I have lived in rolled up into one amazing place. 

I've scooped out some apartments and houses while driving around that I will check out before I leave but right now I'm going to rest and get ready for another adventure.

Pictures

I Have Arrived

I am officially on Wilington and have spent the first hour stuck at the airport waiting for Lindsay to make it to town and pick me up. While not so patiently waiting outside a very me song came on "I wear my sunglasses at night". At this current moment I am sprawled out on a bench rocking my favorite white shades. The song instantly put a smile on my face and made this wait just a little more barrable.

Overall good travel day. No delays no screaming children and a lot of good reading and music. I didn't realize how short a 30 minute flight really is until my flight from Charolette to Wilmington.

Leg One of Tavel Complete

I have arrived in Charolette, my first and only lay over on my way to Wilmington. The flight was fairly smooth and uneventful which is the way I like them. I decided to start "The Secret Life of Bees" for this trip because it is short and on that can be read on these flights. I forgot what a good book it is and how much I want to see that movie again.

I am trying to find something to do to entertain myself during this hour or so layover which shouldn't be to hard.

Mobile Blogging from here.

And The Countdown Begins

Pre-travel jitters are officially starting to set in. I have so much to get done in the next 24 hours. Packing, cleaning, organizing, etc. So much to get done.

I can't wait to get the traveling part of his trip over with. I'm not a huge fan of flying and I would rather just be there rather than here.

So many little details to finalize as well. Good thing I've gotten very good at operating on no sleep. I will be hitting the ground running tomorrow pretty much as soon as I step foot in the airport. It's a good thing Lindsay will be more likely to pick me up at the airport because I have big plans. Big big plans.

Tonight will be crazy and busy but oh well. Work, baseball game, work, small timeout to catch up on TV (priorities), finish packing, get a little sleep. Everyone should know that I have to keep up with my new episodes. So this brief timeout is for my mental health and calming before the rush of traveling.

I will be uploading pics of the packing process later. In 24 hours I should be landing in Wilmington. YES!

Quick Update

In 36 hours I will be on a plane on my way to Wilmington, NC.

My bags are "packed", my itinerary is set, the hotel is booked, and I am so ready to go.

Prepare yourself for videos, blogs, pictures, and so much more.

Life over the last several days has been busy, therefore I have not had time to blog. Friday and Saturday were a blur full of family time, the Race for the Cure, work, packing, and a whole bunch of running around.

The Race for the Cure is a cause that is very near and dear to me because I lost an aunt to breast cancer, my mother had breast cancer, and I watched the effects it can have through my best friends mom's long battle with it. I have been doing the race for as long as I can remember. It was tradition every year in our family. I have seen it move locations and grow in size. My mother was even presented an award at last years race, something that I got share with my best friend who came in town for the race.

Causes like the Race for the Cure will always be important to me, I will always look for ways to give back to my community. That will be with me forever.

That is all for this quick update, I will update more later as my trip grows closer.

Possum Hunting

As I pull in my driveway tonight I am greeted by my cat sitting where my car normally parks. After sitting at the end of the driveway for a couple seconds I realize what my cat is stalking, a possum. He shall be named Harrold in this story, Harrold was walking across my porch. Now I have a slight fear of possums. 

It dates back to the time when I was at home and a possum got in our cat food holder in the garage. My dad thought it would be a good time for me to see one in person. Well when he lifted the lid, it hissed, I screamed and ran. Ever since then I have not liked possums. So the fact that one was sauntering around my front yard did not sit well with me. 

I was on the phone with my friend Lindsay and decided I would sit in my car until it ran away. So I did, Harrold went around the side of the house and I assumed to the back yard and away. Little did I know that he had decided to climb the fence next to our house and sit there watching me. I slightly freaked out at the sight of him staring at me, then decided that he wasn't hissing or lunging at me so it would serve as a good picture taking opportunity. 

After about 10 minutes of attempting to take pictures I decided I would go in the house, lock the door and get away from the creepy creature. Well not 2 or 3 minutes later I thought I heard my cat mowing at the door. I go peak out the front door to find no cat so I open the screen door and look out to see if he was in the driveway. No cat but Harrold was working his way down the fence towards our garbage can at the end of the driveway. Brilliant and "scared" me decides that I need to film Harrolds adventure down the fence. So I go back into the house to return with my flip camera. The video did not turn out well but if you look closely you can see him in the darkness. 

So much for thinking that this was going to be an uneventful day.

Here are a few of the pictures and the video. Enjoy.

PS I'm talking to Lindsay on the phone while filming, sorry for the random conversation.

Save You

Tonight was Kelly Clarkson night on my iPod. More specifically her new album. There was one song that really stood out to me. "Save Me"

Here are the lyrics:

I can tell, I can tell how much you hate this
And deep down inside, you know it's killing me
I can call, wish you well and try to change this
But nothing I can say would change anything

Where were my senses, I left them all behind
Why did I turn away
Away

I wish I could save you
I wish I could say to you
I'm not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It's gonna be alright

I didn't mean, didn't mean to leave you stranded
Went away 'cause I didn't want to face the truth
Reaching out, reach for me empty-handed
You don't know if I care
You're trying to find the proof

There were times I'd wonder
Could I have eased your pain
Why did I turn away
Away

I wish I could save you
I wish I could say to you
I'm not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It's gonna be alright

We can pretend nothing's changed
Pretend it's all the same
And there would be no pain tonight
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
Save you, I wish I could save you

I'm not going nowhere
I wish I could say to you
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
Save you, I wish I could save you
It's gonna be alright

I don't know why these words or this song spoke to me today or what they really mean to me but I love this song and the message behind it.

Comfort

Every night(or morning) right after I have brushed my teeth and washed my face there is a moment where I am about to lay down in bed and go to sleep (yes I do occasionally sleep). In this moment I am 100% comfortable. I am not self conscious, there are no doubts, no fears, no worries, just 100% at ease with my life. It is the only time I am 100% me. No makeup, hair in a ponytail, basketball shorts, a t-shirt and me. I'm not trying to impress anyone, trying to achieve anything, or do anything spectacular, I'm just being me. Some nights this moment lasts a long time and the comfort seeps in deep and sometimes its a brief flash before the worries and doubts resurface. It doesn't matter how long or short it lasts because I know that everyday I will have that feeling. 

I am always my most comfortable at home sitting in my room. Normally this comfort is linked to a pair of basketball shorts. Don't ask me why basketball shorts are my comfort item but they are. It's just me on nights like this, not the daughter, the sister, the student, the aspiring producer, the friend, the roommate, etc., it's just me. I feel that same comfort to a point on the basketball court. For some people it's the stage, some it's behind the wheel, some people it's in front of a crowd while others its alone away from the world. For me it's in my room, wearing my basketball shorts, hair pulled up, baggy t-shirt and all. 

Have you ever thought about what or where makes you truly comfortable? I mean 100% comfortable with everything around you and in you. No second guessing, no doubting, no worrying just comfortable. I hope everyone has that sense of comfort as often as possible because it's a wonderful feeling.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I wished for my life to get out of the pattern it was in and I find myself in a whirlwind of activity. Baseball games, work, old friends, new friends, trip planning, move planning, life planning. So much to do and so little time to do it in. Can someone invent a time machine or a time slower downer, or anything that will help my time issues?

I love a busy life style, it's actually how I function best but I always feel like small things fall through the cracks when I'm this busy. The worst part is that I haven't been able to write or take pictures in this chaos. I have never been one that did my best with a lot of down time. In fact my brain goes crazy when I have to much down time. The more projects the better, the more work, the more school, the more everything.

Lets go over the highlights of the past several days, reconnected with friends from the baseball team, remembered why I knew this new dream would work from my days at the baseball team (see previous posts), worked lots of hours, cleaned my house in 2 hours (which is a record time for me), went to several baseball games, almost killed my phone with a puddle of water, finalized plans for my trip to Wilmington in exactly 1 week from today, finalized my list of apartments to look at for my trip, submitted resumes to some companies in Wilmington, started filming a small movie I thought of, learned 2 new songs on the guitar, started my next video project, spent time with my family, and started packing for my trip.

Now that was just my life since last Thursday, who knows where the rest of this week will take me.

Tomorrow I am going to the baseball game at 11, going to work at 3:45, possibly having my sister interviewed for one of our reporters sweeps pieces, homework, possibly going to dinner with one of the girls from the baseball team, more movie shooting after work (yes at 11 at night), writing after that and then maybe I'll get a little sleep.

If anyone comes up with a way to add a couple hours to the day please let me know, I could really use them. But really I love having a busy life style, it's my comfort zone. I wouldn't have my life any other way right now.

Who knew a rainbow could make you think so much?

Friday night I went to the baseball game. Now I will admit that I didn't watch much baseball, I spent most of the night catching up with old friends and walking around. It was nice because I haven't seen some of these people since last October. While I was walking around there was a rainbow behind the stadium. It was a complete rainbow, all the colors and you could see both ends. It was beautiful. I took a picture of it with my phone and didn't think twice about it.

That was until I was looking at that picture as the background on my phone. There is something symbolic about rainbows. Rainbows are like small messages from God. He sent one to Noah when he was on the ark and I believe like other small things in life rainbows are sent to us to send some kind of message. The exact message may not be clear to all and will more than likely vary from person to person but it is a message, a symbol.

I believe I was in that place at that time seeing that rainbow because God was pointing out that I was on the right path. I finally feel at ease and at peace with leaving the baseball team. It was not what I was supposed to be doing but it will always be a part of me and the friendships and connections I made while there will always be with me. There is a peacefulness that comes over me when I see a rainbow in the sky and it's the same peacefulness I feel towards everything I have been through in the past. It helped me grow and become the person I am but it's over now. I have moved on and will continue to. I have my friends from my various stages in life and they will always be there. Some will be more prominent then others but I will always have them in my life in some way or another.

I have made peace with the regrets that I had about how I left things with the baseball team. I wish I could be more involved and help out more but I feel like I am better off just being a fan this year. I will help when and if I'm called on because I'm not the kind of person who can turn my back on them when they are in need. But until or if that day comes I will be a fan and support the team and the community that is involved in it. This was one of the best things to happen to Springdale and to me. Therefore it is something that will be important to me and something that I will do everything I can to help.

I learned a lot in the year that I was at the baseball team. Knowledge that you can't gain anywhere else at any other time because no one else will be able to recreate the exact conditions we were dealing with. We were a brand new thing in a town who had never seen a professional sport before (minus professional bull riding, we are in the south). We had to show people what this new thing was and the possibilities that partnering up with could mean for them. We had to sell this new idea to a new audience. I learned more about how you can go from a smaller company operating out of a small office making do with whatever you can and transition that into a full fledged baseball operation that was operating out of a multimillion dollar stadium. We went from mailing out all of our own merchandise by filling out countless Fed-Ex slips to having people who could do that for us. We went from maybe 20 people in the office to a staff of almost 300 (and that didn't include the concession stands). And the whole time I was there, working closely with the managers, learning and experiencing new things.

If it weren't for the sales techniques, the operating techniques, the managing techniques that I learned over the course of that year I wouldn't sit here today and know that I could one day start my own production company (or any company for that matter). I have learned some of the little things that will make or break a new company. I don't know it all and I never will but the experiences that I had at that ballpark are, what I believe, have prepared me for my new career path. Sure I need to learn new things about the film/TV industry, specifics that you can't learn anywhere else but I know that no matter what I face I will succeed because that is what I have done in the past. I knew nothing about operating a baseball park and I learned that, surely I can learn whatever I need to learn somewhere else.

I will miss working at the ballpark and will more than likely work at one when I retire just for the fun of it but for right now I have my home away from home (when I'm not working) and I know that my extended family is there with open arms welcoming me back again.

Opening Up

So I'm trying out this "Live" feed thing. I actually might like it. This is odd to me because I am the person that hates being in front of the camera. The person who hides away when one is even pointed near her direction. But knowing that someone could possibly be watching (I don't know why they would I'm a pretty boring person unless I break out the Rock Band) has helped me get used to the ideas of cameras. Not that I want to go into acting or be the center of attention but I like being able to share just that little bit more of my world. Plus I am totally in charge of it and can stop and start it anytime I want. 

Today was a good day. I slept really late and that was nice because I hadn't slept in a long time. After I finally woke up I got a call from my mom saying that my SGP shirt had arrived there!!! I was so excited I hopped straight in the car and picked it up. I will be wearing it tomorrow and taking pictures borrowing another rainy day. 

After getting my shirt I went to work and had a fairly easy day. 1 anchor, few tapes, and a very slow news day. I loved it. We also bought a NERF basketball goal on break and played in the control room which was so much fun. I was afraid we would break something but we didn't. After work I came home and was lame and cleaned my bathroom before rocking out to Rock Band. 

Tomorrow will be another slow news day but at least I will be getting paid soon. I can't wait to spend all that money in Wilmington. Down to 9 days and I am so excited.

Keep checking the blog because you never know where or when I'll pop up for a "live" look.

Arkansas Incentives

http://www.forbes.com/feeds/ap/2009/04/03/ap6254254.html

So I've been watching this since I first heard they were trying to get it passed. This is really good news for me because I was looking at making my movie around here and now the incentives have come up to make it better to do so.

I am also watching the battle over incentives in NC. I think every state should do what they can to encourage the film industry because it is an excellent way to employ people in this tough economy.

It's All Good!

I wanted to follow up on my last post. Last night was Opening Day at Arvest Ballpark and as my post said I was a little nervous about going. Well I have a tendency to over analyze things and I believe last night was just a case of that. I have never had such a warm reception from people.

It was mainly the same staff that I had last year which made me really proud that I was able to find a solid group of people to work not just one season but more. Everyone was happy to see me and was very interested in what was going on with me. I didn't know how there reaction would be and I think that was the part that scared me the most. But i was missed and welcomed with open arms which always a good feeling. 

I can't wait to go back tonight and see everyone again. However I realized how boring baseball can be because I never actually had to sit down and watch a whole game last year. It looks like I'm going to be doing lots of catching up during games this year. 

I finally have my first full day off in over 2 weeks and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I should be rushing around to get ready for work or doing homework or anything productive. The problem is that I have become so used to my crazy schedule that I'm uberproductive all the time and have run out of things that I need to do. I guess I can finally get back to reading The Fountainhead or go take some pictures or get back to work on my screenplay. Well now it seems like I have lots to do. 

11 Days Til Wilmington!

1 year ago today.

Just around 1 year ago today I was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. It was Opening Day of the Inaugural season of the Northwest Arkansas Naturals baseball team and I was an intern working her very first baseball game ever. Now I had never been to a minor league baseball game let alone worked one. I was new to everything and like many others had no idea what to expect.

I had been working for the team since the previous September. I started out as a receptionist before we even had a stadium built. It was cool to see this team come from nothing. Granted some of our staff came with the team franchise from Wichita, KS but it was basically all brand new. I spent months mailing out brochures, organizing inventory, shipping out orders, filing, answering phones, etc. Anything and everything they needed done, I pretty much did.

In January I switched over to the Gameday Operations Intern position. There I was in charge of all of the staff that worked on game days, payroll, hiring, firing, managing, organizing, etc. I had from January to April to hire a staff, train them, get their payroll information submitted, and schedule them. Remember I had never worked for a baseball team before and had only managed at the local movie theater when I was in high school and early years of college. 

So here I was with this daunting task of putting together an entire staff but I loved every second of it. I was in my element, solving problems, organizing, planning, developing. The job had all of the things that challenge me in life. I was given a rough outline of how they had done things in years past and completely changed everything around and "fixed" it. 

Finally we reached April 10th and Opening Day was upon us. This was the new entertainment in town and we had to come through. After going through meetings all morning and talking with the others who had worked in baseball before I started preparing for the game around 2 o'clock. What was nerves quickly faded away to the determination to do my job. Next thing I know I'm having my first pre-game staff meeting and the gates are opening. The night flew by in a blur from then on. Granted the weather wasn't the greatest, not all of the big plans we had got to go off, and we had major parking/traffic issues but to me the night was a success.

The rest of the season all 70 home games were gone before I knew it. I learned so much working at the ballpark, not only about managing and organizing and planning for large numbers of people but also about myself. It was through this job that I figured out that I could be a producer. After all a producer is the person who plans and organizes and makes sure the project gets made. That was basically my job at the ballpark and the season was my movie. 

So here we are a year later and it's Opening Day again and I can't help but reflect on what I was doing a year ago (around there at least). I miss the excitement I felt, seeing things coming together, the energy of the crowd waiting to come in, the excitement on little kids faces when they see Strike the mascot for the first time, the feeling of knowing that I was doing something that I was meant to do. I will get these feelings again in my life but reliving that Opening Day experience has made me feel like I was lucky to be able to be there for the beginning and to watch it grow that first season.

I will be at the game tonight and for the first time ever be able to sit back and watch the ball game but I have a feeling it just won't be the same. I will be listening for voices in my ear on the radio or checking on the ushers to make sure they are doing their jobs, etc. I love baseball, and will love going to games this season. New memories to be made and old friends to see. Go Nats!

Something New Everyday

If One Tree Hill was the little engine that could TV show, then Southern Gothic Productions is well on it's way to being the little engine that could Production Company. 

Watching the progress of this company brings something new and amazing and inspiring everyday. 

From Hil's videos, to Nick and Austin's writings, to their T-Shirt enterprise everyday that I check the site and find something new I am amazed in one way or another. I have never seen dedication from a company like this before. The fact that they are working so hard to make their movie in this economy is admirable. But the fact that to help raise the money they undertook the massive task of selling T-Shirt is even better.

And to top it all off Hilarie is signing them, which should cause a serious case of hand cramps. She didn't have to take the time to do this. They don't have to take the time to share it. But they do. 

The pictures they posted of the whole T-shirt mailing process just proves how amazing they are. I have been in a start up company, sat behind the piles of merchandise, printed off the stacks of mailing labels, and spent hours at the post office trying to get them sent. I know what a pain the whole thing can be so I know that they are dedicated by doing this.

Amazing things are happening there in Wilmington. No wonder so many people want to go there (including me).

If I could have a tiny part of talent, heart, passion, and hard work that they have I will be successful in life. 

If you haven't already done it go to SGP and check out the blogs. Buy 1, 2, 10 T-shirts. I mean they are signed and the money is going to a VERY worthy cause. 

This company deserves all the success in the world and I have no doubt in my mind that they will achieve it. Nothing is going to hold them back. They are going to make sure of it, and all of their faithful followers will too. I know it.

Random Funny Story

So I was reminded of this story after a conversation with my friend Lindsay tonight.

3 years ago when I was still living in Orlando her family was visiting Hilton Head Island for a week during the summer. So I decided to take a couple days off of work and drive the 5 hours north to visit her and crash her family vacation. Ok so I worked until about 4 am the night before, went home showered, packed a bag, and got in the car and drove the 5 hours on no sleep. For those of you who know me know that I don't require a lot of sleep but this was still a very dangerous thing to do. But anyway I made it to Hilton Head in record time and we went off to the beach.

A couple days later her family decided to go jet skiing. Now she had never been before so I let her drive. BIG MISTAKE. We were fine right up until the very end. That's when she decided to go as fast as she could around a corner to miss a buoy and caused me to go airborne on the back of the jet ski. Thanks to my cat like ninja reflexes I managed to stay on but not before banging my knee surgery knee on the side of the jet ski. After a fairly long string of curse words and a slap to the back of the head I calmed down a little. To this day I have never let her live it down and still refuse to ride on a jet ski with her ever again. 

The only thing that saved that day was the fact that we were probably 2 feet away from some of the prettiest dolphins I have ever seen.

Traveling Soul

I have a traveling soul.

I want to travel the world. I have a secret journal full of places and things I want to see. I have always joked with Lindsay about how we need to get rich now so we can travel. I even told my mom the other day that I was going to either be a big time producer/director and travel the world for a living or be someone's assistant and travel the world. Shooting high and shooting low. 

If I could just sell off everything, grab a camera, and travel I would be happy. Go anywhere and everywhere without a worry in the world. Documenting the wonders of the world. One day I will do this. 

London, Paris, Tokyo, Beijing, Cancun, Thailand, Australia, Antarctica, etc. All of these places and more. I want to experience it all. I love the different cultures, the different ways of living, the foods, the smells, the everything.

This is why I can't be tied down right now. I need to go and see new places. To live somewhere completely new to me. I want to discover an area, to discover myself in a new area. I did this when I went to Orlando and I want to do it again. To reinvent myself again, to make something of my life. 

I can't wait for my vacation in now less than 2 weeks. I can't wait to explore and learn and experience Wilmington. I have started my list of things to do or see but if anyone has any suggestions I am open to them. You can e-mail me at littlechristy32@hotmail.com and let me know. 

And you can expect lots of new blogs and vlogs from my trip, I will even try to write daily updates.

Amazing Clip

Ok so Megan posted this link in the chat tonight but I wanted to share it here as well.

If you ever wanted proof that you shouldn't judge someone based off of appearances this is it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-KiGva9dV4

Help Others, Help Yourself

I've lost my inspiration. Not my drive but my inspiration. I am still pushing for what I want but creatively I'm stuck. I can't write, can't edit, even forgot some of the music I used to know how to play.

I am blaming this on an extreme lack of sleep. coupled with a crazy work schedule, not a lot of down time and not a lot of focus. 

Either way I'm blocked and my inspiration is gone. That little spark that I felt a couple weeks ago has faded to a dull glimmer and I am struggling to get it back.

At least that was me earlier this week. And then something happened. Something out of the blue. As I have said in earlier posts inspiration is a funny thing. It hits us when we least expect it and comes from unexpected sources. 

This inspiration came from a source that has inspired me before and continues to but it came at a time when I really needed it.

I was near the end of a crazy week full of crazy work hours, unexpected weather events and the usual stupid people to top it all off. Then something unexpected happened. A new vlog came up on SGP. It was very simple, Hilarie and Nick telling secrets, but at the end they left us with yet another cliffhanger, something they are getting really good at over there. Well this got me thinking and focusing my attention off of the drama and stuff that was weighing me down. This was the start of the inspiration.

Then I woke up the next "morning" and was greeted my the "secret." SGP was selling T-shirts and the logo had been reveled. I was ecstatic. I have been waiting for both of these things. And then I watched the vlog to go with the post. I found out that my purchase would directly help them with making the movie. I was so excited. I was finally going to be able to make a direct impact for them. I can shout it from the rooftops, tell as many people as I know, talk them up as much as possible but none of that felt like enough. 

I'm a helper, a fixer, a person with a hero complex if you will. I don't like sitting on the sidelines. I like the more direct approach. Therefore I wanted to be able to directly help in some small or large way. I know that by helping get the word out I'm helping but in my mind it's not enough. The fact that the economy sucks, people are pinching pennies and studios are cutting back means that making movies right now, especially independent movies, is a lot harder than it was. The funding just isn't what it used to be. So the fact that by purchasing my 2 small T-shirts I could help give just a little bit to them to get this wonderful movie made I feel like I finally have done something. 

This might seem crazy and it probably is but as I have said I'm a fixer, I have a hero complex. I want to help in any way and every way that I can. The small things never seem enough. I always am looking to do more. I still would love to be able to do more, for them, for others. But until that day I have helped in every way that I know of and for now that will have to do.

So everyone go to SGP and buy 1, 2, 10 shirts. They are totally worth every penny. 

Friendship and Forgiveness

Friendship. Webster's defines friendship as the state of being friends. So if friendship is the state of being friends then it is assumed that you must be friends in order to have a friendship with someone.

Well what if your friendship is strand, with time and pain and loss? What if you haven't been a friend to this person or them in return? Can you then call it a friendship? Can it ever be a friendship again?

A friend is one attached to another by affection or esteem. What if you have not held an affection for someone. Can you call them a friend? According to the books no. But what if your situation was different? What if there were circumstances that changed the friendship?

I lost a really good friend a few years back. It was a situation that was messy and painful and emotionally charged at the time. I resented this person for years, for putting me in the situation I was in and for the choices they made. But did they make the choice or did I?

I struggled for years with this pain and dealt with it in all the wrong ways. I went from depression to running from my feelings to bitter to angry. But I never really dealt with any of it. Until recently that is. I have come to realize that maybe the problem wasn't her but was me. I made the choice not to be friends. I made the choice not to move past it. I made the choice to walk away. None of that was on her, it was all on me.

Forgiveness is something that is not earned or gained. To forgive someone you have to let go of the resentment and pain associated with them. They can not do anything to cause this, because it is all in you to decide to forgive or not. I choose for years not to forgive. I held on to the resentment and punished myself in the process. 

I would love to believe that not having me in this persons life for all those years had some kind of negative impact on their life. That some how they felt what I was feeling from it but I don't believe that is true. I think the only one I was hurting was myself. I think by not forgiving I did more damage than good. Who are we without forgiveness.

Friendship is a two way street. I closed off my side of the street. Now I am slowly reopening it, and it's scary because I don't know how to be a friend anymore, to her at least. I did so much damage to our friendship that I can't see why she would still even want to be friends with me at all. But she does, she still wants me in her life, and her in mine. Because despite all the pain and the drama and the years apart I still remember the good times, the fun times, the friendship. It was not always easy, or the most even sided thing but it was still a friendship for good or bad. 

I know there are some who know the situation well who would say that I am wrong for this. That I am better off without a friend like her in my life but I would ask them, would you want me to forgive you if the situation was the same? I have this one life to live, this one chance at happiness and I'm going to take it. And in order for me to be happy I have to forgive, not forget but forgive. I will never forget the things that happened. I will never forget the lessons I learned. But I will forgive. Forgive her, forgive myself, forgive.

The past is in the past. My future starts right now. And in my future I would like to be a friend again, to have my old friendships back. Happiness is on my horizon, the pain of yesterday is fading away, and I am a better person than I was. Forgiveness is granted. Now we learn how to build a friendship again, because starting today I call you a friend again.

Mena, AR Tornado

Just wanted to make a quick post and say that my thoughts and prayers are with everyone who has been impacted by the tornado that struck Mena, AR last night. The devastation left from this storm will takes months to clean up. 

Everyone else who has been impacted by the line of storms that passed through the area last night is also in my prayers. It has been a long time since I saw a storm this powerful.

I will post more later but I have to be at work at 6 am and must get some rest.

My Horoscope for the Day

"Dazzle everyone with your compassion, creativity and desire to do something unique. You will impress the people who can influence your life and in turn get the introductions you need to reach your goals."

This is my horoscope that my best friend Lindsay sent me today. It seemed appropriate in light of everything going on.

Making my day a little brighter

Ok so this has nothing to do with me but I rewatched this episode tonight and I wanted to share a scene that brought a smile to my face. I just wish that I could dance like this.

It's the little things in life that make your day a little brighter. 

Decisions to be made.

Tough choices ahead. Life changing decisions to be made. And for once in my life I'm completely at easy and calm about all of it.

Whichever way I choose. Whichever decision I make, it's all going to be OK.

I'm moving forward in my life, and no matter which direction I choose to go I'm heading towards my dream. If I could I would follow both paths but right now I don't see that as an option. I must decide which way to go and I must do it soon.

I have so many details to work out, so many things to figure out but it's all going to be OK.

It's been a crazy past couple of days. Working crazy hours at work and sleeping the rest of the time. But all in all it couldn't have gone better. Made it through all the shifts, learned a lot more about how things work around the station and made a few friends. 

20 days until my vacation and I can not wait!!!! I'm so excited to go and figure out more details on what is going to happen in the next few months. Just got to find a hotel and plan out what I'm going to do while I'm there. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. 

Happy

Oh to live your dream. To have the life that you want. 

But would that be enough. At what point are you going to be happy?

There are so many things that I want out of my life. I want to move, I want my dream job, I want love, I want my family, etc. But if I get all of these things is that going to be enough. Why isn't enough right now?

I have a good life, actually a great life. I have a job that I love and challenges me. I have an amazing family that loves and supports me. I have wonderful friends who are always there. So why isn't it enough?

Why do we look at others and see the things we wish we had? Our lives are our own. We can only have what we have. We can strive for more and hope and dream and wish but in the end it is just our own life. 

Can we ever have it all or do we now and we are just to blind to see it?

I've been so focused on my future and what I want out of it that I haven't taken the time to appreciate what I have. I will be moving in a couple months and I will be following my dreams. This has already been determined. But until that time my life is here and now.

My present is in Springdale, AR. My future is in Wilmington and beyond. I can dream of the days when my present is there. I can plan and work towards them but I can't forget about where I am right now, my home.

Appreciate what you have, want what you want, dream what you dream but don't lose sight of the glory of the day, the smile of a friend, the hug from a loved one, the beauty of a sunrise, the thrill of a first kiss, the excitement of the unknown, and the reason that you are here, to live this one life to the fullest, to make the most out of everyday, and to live.

Doubt

Doubt - 1. fear, 2. to be in doubt about, 3a. to lack confidence in, b. to consider unlikely.

We all have doubts. It's a natural part of life. But it's how we deal with doubt that sets us apart.

Seeds of doubt have always plagued my mind. I'm not smart enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, just plain not good enough. Sometimes these feelings overwhelm me (mostly when I haven't slept) and I don't know what I'm doing or how I ever got here.

It is in these times that I typically disconnect myself, draw back into my shell and try to hide this from the world. The problem with this is that it makes these feelings only stronger and more powerful. So what do you do then to overcome these feelings of doubt.

Hope - 1. to cherish a desire with anticipation, 2. trust.

Trust - 1 assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something, 2. dependence on something future or contingent: hope

Faith - fidelity to one's promises

These three things will push through those doubts. Believe in yourself, hope that tomorrow will bring less doubts, trust that it will, and have faith that everything will work out in the end. 

I have had my fair share of doubts (some tonight leading to this post). I will continue to have doubts for the rest of my life. The key is to squash these doubts and believe in myself and my dreams. 

“Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt” - William Shakespeare

“Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.” - Nancy Lopez

New Video

When I listen to songs I see images in my head describing the words. I heard this song in my car the other day and the entire opening section popped through my head just like it is on here.


Let me know what you think. Still learning about this editing thing.

Sleepless Night #211

I officially have the worst sleeping pattern going on right now. Up all night, sleep all morning wake up at like noon and start the day. I need to break myself of this but I can't seem to. Hence why despite a long day and a very bad shoulder I am still up at 6:15 am. 

My shingles have flared up bad enough that my arm is in and out of a sling. Hence the picture from yesterday. Hopefully it will go away soon.

I have to make a decision on my script within the next couple of weeks and I'm conflicted as to the direction I should take. My heart and my head are telling me 2 different things. I guess I'll just have to go with my gut and follow the path that looks right.

I have been attempting to edit videos to get some practice in. I have been learning from one of our AP's at work how we do it there but I also wanted to try my luck with the software on my computer. iMovie seems to be the easiest and I'm learning after effects, somewhat. I have posted them on YouTube if you want to check them out. This is the link to the one I did tonight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7GeGP4Tx2I

I'm picking up extra shifts at work next week but that means that I will be working the morning show. So my schedule will be a little crazy starting Sunday afternoon. Softball practice, followed by work til 11:30, go back to work at 4-9, sleep a little, work 3:45-11, sleep, work 4-9, sleep, work 4-9 Wednesday, then back to my regular schedule on Thursday. It's a good thing I'm good at functioning on no sleep. That an lots of coffee and energy drinks.

Booking my plane ticket tomorrow for my VACA in Wilmington. I'm so excited. For the first time in 4 years I have been in Arkansas for almost 6 months. This is leading to a crazy state of being so I'm SOOOO excited to be getting out of here and being able to check out my future home. So much to accomplish the the few days that I'm there but I'm so excited.

24 days and counting.

3 Cups of Tea + 2 Screenplays + 1 AM = Random Photos

Ok so the typing on this one is going to be short and sweet because my arm is in a sling due to severe shoulder pain. But here are the effects of writing, 3 cups of tea, and a need to have an edited script ready by next week and a new story idea hitting you.

Hurt Me

Before Writing

After Writing

Ranting Time (Watch out for my Soap Box)

So in my usual browsing of the internet I headed over to IMDb. I checked how OTH was doing in popularity (Up 9% from last week :0) ) but anyway I stupidly scrolled down and looked at the message boards. Why must I torture myself? But the better question is why do people feel the need to say some of the things they do?

Don't they understand that they are talking about real people, with real families and real friends and real lives. IT'S A TV SHOW!!!!! They are not the character's they portray, they make their own decisions based off what is best for them, and they try to do something they love to entertain us. So why hide behind your computer and speak so heartlessly about them and the job that they love.

Why is it easier to bring someone down than it is to help build them up? Would you say the same things about your friends, a family member? What if it was you? Would you like hearing or reading the things you wrote?

I think we forget in this age of internet and technology that the golden rules still apply. "Do unto others and you would want done unto you." If you can honestly sit there and say this would hurt me if someone wrote it about me then I wouldn't go saying about someone else. 

I know most actors and actresses either don't read these or just let it roll off but at some point it has to hurt. I can only imagine what it would feel like to have someone or a group of people rip apart something that you work so hard on. Take every small problem and blast it across the globe. 

Criticism it a natural part of life and I understand that. If you are going to put yourself and your work out there for the public eyes to see you are bound to face some negative reviews. But the way some people go about this is just wrong. To them I say get a life, grow up, and can you really comment until you know the whole story or been in their shoes. No I don't think so.

Lyrics of the Day

Today I was driving around looking for inspiration in a town I know all to well. As I was daydreaming of moving to Wilmington and all the new adventures I will have there I was listening to Gavin DeGraw's new CD. One song in particular stuck out to me. "Free" Here are the lyrics. 

"I'm a poor, I'm a rich 
I'm a mountain, I'm a ditch 
I'm a dagger in the shield 
I'm impatient, I'm a yield 

And I wanna be free 
Wind in my hair 
Salt on my skin 
Sun in the air 
I have to feel loved 
Holding on me 
I'll give you everything that you would ever need 

I'm the fight and the dance 
I'm the heartbreaking romance 
The feather and the stone 
I feel crowded and alone 

And I wanna be free 
Wind in my hair 
Salt on my skin 
Sun in the air 
I have to feel loved 
Holding on me 
I'll give you everything that you would ever need 

And every once in a while 
I want to sit back and enjoy the view 
I'm feeling my senses 
The one in my life has been surrounded by fences 
But I found some that I could see through 
I could see through 

And I wanna be free 
Wind in my hair 
Salt on my skin 
Sun in the air 
I have to feel loved 
Holding on me 
I'll give you everything that you would ever need 

Everything that you would ever need 
Everything that you would ever need"

I am ready to be free. Free in a sense at least. I'm ready to live my life my way. 

Another set of lyrics that stuck out to me were from "Mountains to Move"

"It's gonna be a long walk,

And you know what you could lose,

Oh, When you've got 

Mountains to move."

These lyrics describe my life right now.

PS I did find my inspiration and so much more.

No Fear.

You have to go after what you want. You have to be willing to fight, scratch and claw your way to your dream. Nobody is just going to hand you your dream. So you can't be afraid to go after any opportunities. What does it hurt to ask? All that can happen is someone can say no. 

This is all good advice until you have to follow it.

I want something. I want many things. But in particular I want one thing but I'm afraid to ask for it. I'm afraid to put myself out there, to risk burning a bridge, to face rejection.

All you can do is ask. All they can say is yes or no. But what if you really really want it to be yes.

Should I go for it? Should I put myself out there? I mean what's the worst that can happen.

When it comes to your dreams how much can you sit on the sidelines and expect it to happen?

You can't you have to go after it. You have to put yourself out there. You have to make it happen for yourself because no one else will. 

I have my answer. I know what I need to do. Now I just have to find the strength in myself to do what I need to do, to face my fear, swallow my pride and make it happen.

Fortunes

Fortune Cookies. 

I love them. I collect the fortunes. I am a believer in them. 

That is why I found it appropriate that on Sunday when I went to lunch with my family and I got the following fortune I knew that it was destined to find me.

"Watch for a stranger to soon become a friend."

With all the people I have met through SGP and the chat this is true on a daily basis.

Post #100!

Post #100. 

Wow. I never thought I would have enough to say to fill up 50 posts. But here I am, 2 days shy of 3 months after starting this blog and I am writing my 100th post.

A lot has changed during this time and it boggles my mind that we are now 4 months into 2009. I feel like New Years was just last week. But as they say, time flies. I am in school, with a job, and planning on moving by September. All three of these things weren't there when I started this. Neither was my "completed" screenplay, my love of photography, my new desire to learn every aspect of the industry. 

I have learned so much about myself and the world in 3 months. I have met people from all around the world that I would call my good friends. I have found a place of comfort and inspiration. I have found myself. (However I may have lost my ability to sleep, as witnessed by a 6 AM post after a night of not sleeping)

A year ago I was frantically working towards opening day at a brand new baseball park. I was pouring myself into the job and getting very little out of it. I was content. But then the season ended and I was without a job to pour myself in. I had to focus on me again and that is not a healthy thing for me to do. I reevaluated what I wanted to do with my life. 

After taking some time to myself I enrolled in school and started looking for a job. Little did I know that I would find not only a job but a job that I like in an area that I'm interested in. I don't have to pour myself into this job because it is just a natural part of me. It's a connection of who I am.

So who am I. I am a writer, a photographer, a music lover, a TV show fanatic, a loner, a friend, a animal lover, a visionary, a dreamer, a musician, a collector, a smart ass. I care, want, dream, love, see, do, play, write, sing, dance (not very well), interact, learn, grow. I am not defined by a single word, and I don't fit into a specific category. I am Kim. 

Everyone is different, just like finger prints no two are ever the same. But our differences can bring us together. I have formed solid bonds with people I have met through SGP. Bonds that will not easily be broken. I have found a comfort within the pages of their blog. Not just from their inspiring words or the fact that they are accomplishing exactly what I wish to accomplish, but from the countless others who stick around this little engine that could company. Thank you to everyone there, Team and Street Team. Each of you has inspired me in countless ways on a daily basis.

3 years ago I was in Orlando, FL hiding from my past. Little did I know that one day training on a nut wagon (yes the cinnamon almonds) I would meet my best friend. She broke down every wall that I had built up in my past. She got me to heal and move forward. Without her I would still be a half person, shutting out the world. I also would have never pursued this dream of mine if it weren't for her. She is my cheering squad. Whenever I doubt anything she is there to pick me up. Even though we don't live in the same time zone, we still are always there for each other and I wouldn't trade her for the world. So thank you Lindsay A. You are my rock.

My family has always been a big part of my life. I have always considered my mom a friend. We might not always get along and we would never be able to live in the same house again but she is someone that I know I can talk to. My dad is a rock. He is the quiet type but what he can't say in words he makes up for just by being there. My sister and I weren't always the best of friends growing up. But in college I got to connect with my sister. It made going to UCA worth it. I love my sister and want only the best things in life for her. She is more than just a sister to me. She is a friend. I will miss her and the rest of my family when I move but I know they will all be huge parts of my life no matter where I am or what I'm doing.

I haven't had an easy life, I haven't had a hard life. I've had a life. My life is changing as I write this because my future is changing. I am heading in a new direction and blazing my own trail. The obstacles I faced in the past have only made me strong today. I wouldn't be me without them so I don't regret any of them. I actually thank them for leading me here. I know more are coming and the rest of my life is not going to be a piece of cake but if I can face down all that I have, I know that nothing can stop me in the future. 

In 2 months and 5 days I turn 24. In 5 months I could be in a new state. In a year I could be making my movie. In 5 years I could have the career I am dreaming of. Or it could all end tomorrow. My faith will pull me through my future. It will help me everyday of the rest of my life. I know that I have helped others, that what I do and say and write have made a small difference in someone else's life. 

I am humbled by your comments. I am pleased that you read. I am in awe of the power of words. 

My life is just beginning and this is my journal. I do have a lot to say. I will continue to write here as long as people continue to read (and probably beyond) because I have never felt better than I do when I finally get all of my inner thoughts out of my head.

Thank you all and get ready for 100 more posts.