What do you do when you want to be part of a crowd but you don't want to fight to stand out?
Lately I have wanted to fit in, be part of the group, feel like I'm a part of something but at the same time I don't want to fight to stand out. I don't want to force myself to be seen. I don't want to have to try to fit in. I just want to fit in, to feel connected. So what do you do if you don't feel connected where you want to? What if you are kidding yourself by thinking that you are like them? What do you do then?
I am me. No more no less. I have lived my life the way I have, had the experiences that I have, and done it all the way I wanted to. They have made me the person that I am today. I don't regret this at all but do these experiences mean that I don't fit in where I want to belong. Can I be the person that I want to be?
I can't change who I am, and I refuse to change myself to fit in. I have seen to many people do this and you never truly do. You just pretend and lose yourself in the crowd. I am very proud of the person that I am, the decisions I have made and the places I am headed. I am moving in less than 4 weeks. I am starting a brand new adventure. I am doing something on my own. But the thoughts of what if I don't belong there, what if I don't fit into that world, what if I can't make it work keep running through my head. I have never done anything like this. I have never experienced anything like this and it scares me to death. But through all this fear and all this doubt I know that it will be ok because I know this is the right thing for me.
I have been the person who changed myself. I tried to fit in but the truth is that I am me. I'm a band geek, a sports nerd, a theater wanna be, a music junkie, a secret writer, a closet romantic, an outright bitch, a loner, a party girl, a TV/movie freak, and overall mystery. I am a human and I fit into so many different categories and groups that I can't really change myself to fit in. Because I fit everywhere. I have so many interests, so many dreams, so many loves.
I'm tired of trying to fit in, I'm just going to be and if you like it then you are going to get a wonderful friend (if I do say so myself) but if not then I hope you find someone who you do connect with because in the end we are nothing with out friends and support. I have had the pleasure of having some of the best friends in the entire world and I'm sure I will find many more along my journey but no matter what I will always be myself with them because I am Kim Christie.
2 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. Weird, even moreso lately which probably struck the idea of me moving again.
Don't worry about not fitting in, in Wilmington I'm sure you will be fine there; If not hopefully I'll be there somewhat soon and we can be outcasts together, just put yourself out there, meet people who are interested in the same things you are I'm sure there are a lot more there then where you are at now. Actually, you probably have one up on a lot of the people there as you have interest in your (first?) screenplay! Thats an amazing accomplishment that some never get the chance to see. Try to get involved with the local theater.
Its alright to be scared. Hell, your moving to a new state where nobody knows you, with nobody else. that's got to be one of the scariest things a person can do!
You will do amazing things in Wilmy. I'm sure we will be talking a lot more soon so if you need the support I'm here.
render me speechless yet again lol
Like you've told me before...it's gonna be ok. YOU'RE gonna be ok. and if not, no worries, you know I'll be there in no time at all.
and dont be taking advantage of that "assitant" thing lol
you'll be ok roomy
`Amber
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