Stuck

Blog name change to reflect the new dream/drive. Felt like I needed to reflect the blog to the goal.

There are times I feel invisible. Like everyone around me just sees through me. I talk and no one responds, I walk and someone walks into me, I scream and no one reacts.

There are times I feel uncomfortable with attention. Everyone is talking to me, everyone wants to be around me, I cough and everyone reacts.

I can't find a happy medium. I don't want to go unnoticed and I don't want to be the center of attention.

Lately I just feel insignificant. Like I'm not doing any good for anyone. If I disappeared no one would notice. 

I have good days and bad days. I have moments where I see that everything I've been thinking is a lie but at times I can't see the sun from behind the clouds.

I want to make a difference. I want my life to mean something. I want my dreams to come true. I want, I want, I want. I want this all to happen now because I'm tired of talking and ready to do.

I don't want to waste my time standing still. I want to move forward. I want to achieve and see and do. I want it all. 

But I'm stuck, a prisoner to a lack of money. I don't like being told I can't do something. I don't like feeling like this dream is just that, only a dream and will never be reality.

I don't want pity, I don't want to be whiny. I just don't know what to do. I'm stuck. I'm stalling. And meanwhile life is moving on around me.

Come Undone

I think my feelings can be summed up in lyrics from "Come Undone" by Jackson Waters

"There are ways that I've been falling

There are times that I've been so weak

There are moments I hear redemption calling

But I'm too far down to speak

Come sweet fire of mercy

Cover up my skin

Warm me like the sun

Won't you let me in

To come, come undone

There are scars that I've been hiding

There are ghosts that I do not name

There are closets I do not care to open

They open all the same

Come sweet fire of mercy

Cover up my skin

Warm me like the sun

Won't you let me in

To come, come undone"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtx9Ho3Zebl

The Truth Will Set You Free

So I told my parents tonight that I am planning on moving sometime soon and they took it pretty well. There are a lot of details to work out but they are being supportive which is all I can ask for. This is very good news because I was most worried about telling them. 

I think they are more happy about the change in location away from LA because it is so overwhelming. I also think they finally see that this is something that I really want to do and they are being supportive of that.

I'm really getting back into taking pictures. It's making me explore areas around here that I have never been before. Thank you mom and dad for the TomTom they bought me for Christmas or I would still be lost in the middle of no where. It's nice to be able to explore my creative side in a different way other than sitting behind my keyboard. 

My next project will be videos, as soon as I get my camcorder fixed again. Maybe I can get a new one for my birthday in a couple months. That would be helpful in testing so things out for my movie.

Overall it's been a very positive day. Since I decided to move my life has a focus again which is a good thing. I have a goal in mind and I'm going to do everything I can to make it happen.

Decision, Decision

I'm ready for a change. I'm ready for a move. But I feel like there are certain things that need to happen before I can do this.

I have decided that I want to move to Wilmington, NC. That is where I'm going. LA is just to much and Wilmington is a lot cheaper. I know that moving there will be a small step up from here and until I get through with school I think that giant leaps are out of the question. So Wilmington it is. 

Before I can move there are somethings that have to (or I want to) be taken care of. I need to have saved up some money, I need to have at least the prospect of a job, and I need a place to live.

I have a plan in place to save as much money as possible over the next several months and am looking into getting a second job to help. I have looked for places online and have contacted a couple about availability and price. I have even looked into jobs.

I don't want to screw myself over here but I really want to move. I want to get out on my own and make this dream happen. 

I have made my decision to move now it becomes a question of when and how.

New Pictures from Today

These are just a few. The rest are on my flickr account.