Help Others, Help Yourself

I've lost my inspiration. Not my drive but my inspiration. I am still pushing for what I want but creatively I'm stuck. I can't write, can't edit, even forgot some of the music I used to know how to play.

I am blaming this on an extreme lack of sleep. coupled with a crazy work schedule, not a lot of down time and not a lot of focus. 

Either way I'm blocked and my inspiration is gone. That little spark that I felt a couple weeks ago has faded to a dull glimmer and I am struggling to get it back.

At least that was me earlier this week. And then something happened. Something out of the blue. As I have said in earlier posts inspiration is a funny thing. It hits us when we least expect it and comes from unexpected sources. 

This inspiration came from a source that has inspired me before and continues to but it came at a time when I really needed it.

I was near the end of a crazy week full of crazy work hours, unexpected weather events and the usual stupid people to top it all off. Then something unexpected happened. A new vlog came up on SGP. It was very simple, Hilarie and Nick telling secrets, but at the end they left us with yet another cliffhanger, something they are getting really good at over there. Well this got me thinking and focusing my attention off of the drama and stuff that was weighing me down. This was the start of the inspiration.

Then I woke up the next "morning" and was greeted my the "secret." SGP was selling T-shirts and the logo had been reveled. I was ecstatic. I have been waiting for both of these things. And then I watched the vlog to go with the post. I found out that my purchase would directly help them with making the movie. I was so excited. I was finally going to be able to make a direct impact for them. I can shout it from the rooftops, tell as many people as I know, talk them up as much as possible but none of that felt like enough. 

I'm a helper, a fixer, a person with a hero complex if you will. I don't like sitting on the sidelines. I like the more direct approach. Therefore I wanted to be able to directly help in some small or large way. I know that by helping get the word out I'm helping but in my mind it's not enough. The fact that the economy sucks, people are pinching pennies and studios are cutting back means that making movies right now, especially independent movies, is a lot harder than it was. The funding just isn't what it used to be. So the fact that by purchasing my 2 small T-shirts I could help give just a little bit to them to get this wonderful movie made I feel like I finally have done something. 

This might seem crazy and it probably is but as I have said I'm a fixer, I have a hero complex. I want to help in any way and every way that I can. The small things never seem enough. I always am looking to do more. I still would love to be able to do more, for them, for others. But until that day I have helped in every way that I know of and for now that will have to do.

So everyone go to SGP and buy 1, 2, 10 shirts. They are totally worth every penny. 

Friendship and Forgiveness

Friendship. Webster's defines friendship as the state of being friends. So if friendship is the state of being friends then it is assumed that you must be friends in order to have a friendship with someone.

Well what if your friendship is strand, with time and pain and loss? What if you haven't been a friend to this person or them in return? Can you then call it a friendship? Can it ever be a friendship again?

A friend is one attached to another by affection or esteem. What if you have not held an affection for someone. Can you call them a friend? According to the books no. But what if your situation was different? What if there were circumstances that changed the friendship?

I lost a really good friend a few years back. It was a situation that was messy and painful and emotionally charged at the time. I resented this person for years, for putting me in the situation I was in and for the choices they made. But did they make the choice or did I?

I struggled for years with this pain and dealt with it in all the wrong ways. I went from depression to running from my feelings to bitter to angry. But I never really dealt with any of it. Until recently that is. I have come to realize that maybe the problem wasn't her but was me. I made the choice not to be friends. I made the choice not to move past it. I made the choice to walk away. None of that was on her, it was all on me.

Forgiveness is something that is not earned or gained. To forgive someone you have to let go of the resentment and pain associated with them. They can not do anything to cause this, because it is all in you to decide to forgive or not. I choose for years not to forgive. I held on to the resentment and punished myself in the process. 

I would love to believe that not having me in this persons life for all those years had some kind of negative impact on their life. That some how they felt what I was feeling from it but I don't believe that is true. I think the only one I was hurting was myself. I think by not forgiving I did more damage than good. Who are we without forgiveness.

Friendship is a two way street. I closed off my side of the street. Now I am slowly reopening it, and it's scary because I don't know how to be a friend anymore, to her at least. I did so much damage to our friendship that I can't see why she would still even want to be friends with me at all. But she does, she still wants me in her life, and her in mine. Because despite all the pain and the drama and the years apart I still remember the good times, the fun times, the friendship. It was not always easy, or the most even sided thing but it was still a friendship for good or bad. 

I know there are some who know the situation well who would say that I am wrong for this. That I am better off without a friend like her in my life but I would ask them, would you want me to forgive you if the situation was the same? I have this one life to live, this one chance at happiness and I'm going to take it. And in order for me to be happy I have to forgive, not forget but forgive. I will never forget the things that happened. I will never forget the lessons I learned. But I will forgive. Forgive her, forgive myself, forgive.

The past is in the past. My future starts right now. And in my future I would like to be a friend again, to have my old friendships back. Happiness is on my horizon, the pain of yesterday is fading away, and I am a better person than I was. Forgiveness is granted. Now we learn how to build a friendship again, because starting today I call you a friend again.

Mena, AR Tornado

Just wanted to make a quick post and say that my thoughts and prayers are with everyone who has been impacted by the tornado that struck Mena, AR last night. The devastation left from this storm will takes months to clean up. 

Everyone else who has been impacted by the line of storms that passed through the area last night is also in my prayers. It has been a long time since I saw a storm this powerful.

I will post more later but I have to be at work at 6 am and must get some rest.

My Horoscope for the Day

"Dazzle everyone with your compassion, creativity and desire to do something unique. You will impress the people who can influence your life and in turn get the introductions you need to reach your goals."

This is my horoscope that my best friend Lindsay sent me today. It seemed appropriate in light of everything going on.

Making my day a little brighter

Ok so this has nothing to do with me but I rewatched this episode tonight and I wanted to share a scene that brought a smile to my face. I just wish that I could dance like this.

It's the little things in life that make your day a little brighter.